Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.

“I started a new practice last year,” the first one said.

“I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months.”

“Why in the world would you do that?” the other asked.

She responded, “It’s the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without.”

 

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,

“Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

“Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

The bouncer is a blonde girl with a ‘Billy-Club’.

I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy… Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

“No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times…”

The blonde wife came home from her first day commuting into the city.

Her husband noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, “Honey, are you feeling all right?”

“Not really,” she replied.

“I’m nauseated from sitting backward on the train.”

“Poor dear,” he said.

“Why didn’t you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?”

“I couldn’t,” she replied, “there was no one there.”

After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side.

“Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants.

I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did.

They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large.

I said to her, ‘Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’

Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem.”

Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night.

Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian.

“Try these on,” she said.

Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small.

“What’s the point of this?

I can’t get into your panties,” said Brian.

“Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette all enter the International Brst Stroke Swim across the English Channel.

After about 8 hours, the brunette makes it across, followed shortly by the redhead.

No sign of the blonde.

After 12 hours they decide they’d better go look for her when she pretty much washes up on shore.

They rush over to her and wrap her in warm blankets and give her a hot drink.

After a few minutes, she is breathing easier and says,

“I don’t like to tattle, but I think those other ladies were using their arms!”

One morning while his wife was making breakfast,

a man walked up to her and gave her a healthy pinch on her bums.

He said to her, “If you firmed up your bums we could get rid of your girdle.”

The wife was angry but said nothing.

The next morning her husband pinched her brst and said,

“If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.”

The wife grabbed her husband’s tool and replied,

“and if you firmed this up we could get rid of the mailman, the gardener, the pool man, and your brother!”

Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class:

“Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?”

Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way.

“Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?”

Mary stands up, blushing furiously. “How dare you ask such a question?” she says.

“I’m going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!”

Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary’s reaction, but undaunted.

She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.

“Yes, Sam?” says Mrs. Sampson.

“Ma’am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye.”

“Very good, Sam. Thank you.”

Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, “Mary, I have 3 things to tell you:

first, it’s clear that you have not done your homework.

Second, you have a dirty mind.

And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed.”

The Mexican Maid asked for a pay rise.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want more pay?”

Maria: “Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first eez that I iron better than you.”

Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”

Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”

Wife: “Oh yeah?”

Maria: “The second reason eez that I am better cook than you.”

Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”

Maria: “Jor hozban deed.”

Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”

Maria: “The third reason is that I am a better at lovemaking than you in the bed.”

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”

Maria: “No Senora, the gardener did.”