Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says,

“Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me.”

His wife was hurt but said,

“Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you.”

They embraced and kissed, and everything was fine until they got to the seventeenth tee.

As the husband was starting his back swing, his wife blurted out, I’m sorry darling, I’ve been so conscience-stricken since you told me your news.

Since we’re being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also:

“32 years ago I had a sex change operation. I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me.”

The husband froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit.

He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke his clubs one by one, then started on hers.

He screamed and ranted,

“You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul… and all these years you’ve been playing off the ladies tees.”

 

A spiritual God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to go to heaven.

The woman said she would try her best.

God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

“Not bad” said the woman,”I’ve given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, and made love to me right then and there.”

“They don’t like that in heaven”, said God.

The woman replied:”They’re not too happy about it in Woolies either!”

Unexpectedly, an artist’s wife started having sex with him every day.

Though quite unusual, he didn’t question his luck, deciding to just enjoy the ride.

One day, his wife approached him.

“Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?”

“Of course!” he replied.

“What should I draw?”

“What you think our baby will look like.

“He stared back at her, eyes wide.

Then, sighing heavily, he grabbed a pencil and pad, quickly sketched out a picture, and pushed it toward her.

“What the hell is this?” she laughed, surveying the page.

It was just a stick figure firing a gun at another stick figure smiling, with no wounds showing on his stick body.

“I asked you to imagine what our baby would look like!” she repeated.

“And I got a vasectomy five years ago,” he said.

“So I drew a blank.”

 

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:

“Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.

This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kll us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

To which his wife responds:

“He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline.

I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!”

  

 

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”

She explained,

“The egg timer’s broken.”

  

 

One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.

“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!”

The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”

“Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”

So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments!

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.”

The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

 

A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

“Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“United?” exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Taste.”

“Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. ”You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.

The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and we had a
handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on us hand and foot..

And the Taste hotel was great! They’d just finished  a $5 million remodeling, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet us.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..”

“Oh, really! What’d he say?”

He said: “Who screwed up your hair?”

 

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin.

All of a sudden, a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside them.

“Hey! Show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary and says,

“I don’t think they know who we are. Show them your cross!”

Sister Mary rolls down the window and shouts,

“Piss off ya’ fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!”

Sister Mary then rolls up her window, looks over at Mother Superior quite innocently and asks,

“Did that sound cross enough?”