A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150. His parents look at the truck and ask, “Where did you get that truck?!”

“I bought it today,” he says.

“With what money?” says his mother.

They knew what a new F150 cost.

“Well,” he says, “this one cost me just fifteen dollars.”

The father looks at him like he’s crazy.

“Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?” he says.

“It was the lady up the street,” says the boy. “I don’t know her name – they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars.

“Oh my Goodness!” says the mother. “Maybe she’s mentally ill or has Alzheimer’s something. John, you better go see what’s going on.”

So the boy’s father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting petunias.

He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it.

“Well,” she says, “two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.”

“Oh, my goodness, I’m so sorry,” the father says. “But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?”

“Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash. He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did.”

  

Dear Wife,

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever.  I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.

 

These last 2 weeks have been hell.  Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.  Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.

 

You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.  You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.

 

Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

 

Your EX-Husband.

 

P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

 

 

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.  It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been.

 

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping.  Too bad that didn’t work.

 

I DID notice when you got a haircut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment.

 

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

 

About those new silk boxers:  I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

 

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out.  So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.

 

Everything happens for a reason, I guess.  I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.

 

My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me.  So take care.

 

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

 

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.  I hope that’s not a problem.

 

 

One of my very favorite jokes, and it's making the email rounds once again. Enjoy!

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 90). 

We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. 

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. 

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life? 

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. 

"Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Don't mess with old people. They'll burn you every time.

  

 The Black Bra

Three lady friends had their weekly lunch together. One is engaged, one is a mistress and the third has been married for 20+ years. 

They were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. They agreed to exchange notes at their lunch the next week.

Here's how it all went....

The story of the engaged friend: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and he said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long."

The story of the mistress friend: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat. Under it only the black bra, heels and a mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night."

The story of the married friend: "When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a black mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said. 'What's for dinner Zorro?'"

 

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt, and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

“I’d like some raisin bread please,” the man says.

The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.

The man standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is “having company for dinner.”

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what’s going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips, she is tired, irritated and begins to wonder ...

“why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?”

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.

Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man,

Is it raisin for you too?” “No,” stammers the old man, “but it’s quivering a little.”

 

The Dad explains why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”

“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively, “I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”

The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”

“Cool.” says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then, who are these for?”

“Those are for college men,” the dad answers. “Two for Friday, Two for Saturday, and Two for Sunday.”

 “WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “Then, who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men,…”

With a tear in his eye, he continued,…

“One for January, one for February, one for March……. ”

 

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman.

The general replied “1956, ma’am.”

The woman, in disbelief said “1956?!

That long? Come with me and let me make your night better.”

The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour.

Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said

“Well, you sure haven’t forgotten anything since 1956…”

The general looked at her, confused, and replied

“I sure hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”

 

 A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says,

“Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying.

A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says,

“My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!