Seamus the farmer had a nagging wife.

She made his life miserable. The only real peace

 he got was when he was out in the field

 ploughing.

One day while in the field, Seamus’s wife brought

 him his lunch. Then while he quietly ate she

 berated him with a constant stream of nagging

 and complaining. Suddenly, Seamus’s old

 donkey kicked up his back legs, struck her in the

 head killing her instantly.

At the funeral, the Priest noticed that when the

 women offered their sympathy, Seamus would

 nod his head up and down. But when the men

 came up and spoke quietly to him, he would

 shake his head from side to side.

After the mourners left, the Priest approached

 Seamus and asked, “Why did you nod your head

 up and down to all the women and shook from

 side to side to all the men?”

Well, Seamus replied, “The women all said how nice

 she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by

 nodding my head up and down. And all the men

 asked, “Is that donkey for sale?”

  

 A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."

 

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He then takes her hand and says : "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..... he said with a deep sigh" 

"Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box".. Share If You like the joke

 

One Sunday, when counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. 

It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

“Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.

“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church.”

The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this.. How much does he send you”

The elderly woman answered, “$10,000 a week.”

The pastor was amazed. “Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living”

“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.

“That’s an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money,” the pastor said. “Where does he practice”

The woman answered proudly, “In Nevada. He has two cathouses – one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.”

 

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, 'I am LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die. So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, 'I am the US President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die! He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger  the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy 'My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.'

The little boy said, 'That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America's smartest President took my schoolbag...

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" 

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds. 

Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Then come back and tell me what you've learned." 

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mum, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would," she replies 'He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" 

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!" 

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out.

 Potentially, we are sitting on two million quid, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

  

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. 

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. 

Over the next few minutes, he explained that his company had gone through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go - It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. 

Then, she showed him stock certificates issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were the largest stockholders in the bank. 

She explained that for 30 years, she had charged him for sex and these holdings were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!". 

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

 

 

A DEA OFFICER STOPPED AT THE FARM YESTERDAY, HE SAID

“I NEED TO INSPECT YOUR FARM FOR ILLEGAL GROWING DRUGS.”

THE FARMER SAID, “OKAY, BUT DON’T GO IN THAT FIELD OVER THERE.”

THE DEA OFFICER VERBALLY EXPLODED SAYING,

“MISTER, I HAVE THE AUTHORITY OF THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT WITH ME!”

REACHING INTO HIS REAR PANTS POCKET, THE ARROGANT OFFICER REMOVED HIS BADGE AND SHOVED IT IN MY FACE.

“SEE THIS BADGE?! THIS BADGE MEANS I AM ALLOWED TO GO WHEREVER I WISH…. ON ANY LAND !! NO QUESTIONS ASKED OR ANSWER GIVEN!! HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR?…. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!!”

THE FARMER NODDED POLITELY, APOLOGIZED, AND WENT ABOUT MY CHORES.

A SHORT TIME LATER, HE HEARD LOUD SCREAMS, LOOKED UP, AND SAW THE DEA OFFICER RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE, BEING CHASED BY MY BIG OLD MEAN BULL…. WITH EVERY STEP, THE BULL WAS GAINING GROUND ON THE OFFICER, AND IT SEEMED LIKELY THAT HE’D, SURE ENOUGH, GET GORED BEFORE HE REACHED SAFETY. THE OFFICER WAS CLEARLY TERRIFIED.

HE THREW DOWN HIS TOOLS, RAN TO THE FENCE AND YELLED AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS

“YOUR BADGE, SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!!”